Cold Wars and Lonely Hearts

Cold wars. Lonely hearts. We have these every time we disagree. Am I tired? No—I don’t want to be.

This really is distressing to me. I feel so down, I feel unhappy. I liked my best friend’s transformation from being the unmotivated girl to the almost independent woman. But I’m afraid her independence would mean unlimited freedom. What should I do?

I’ll probably try to answer that question by figuring out the cause—or causes—of our fights.

What Causes Our Fights

Small things. Pretty much most of it.

We did fight over serious stuff, and those were really hard fights to win. I could not help but wish for help from whatever or whoever other than myself.

But I’ve never disclosed our relationship struggles to anyone. As I’ve already mentioned, that’s for her benefit and mine. (Well, now, yes, I’m disclosing some of our experiences, but as for identities? No.)

Anyway, back to the question of what causes our fights. Yes, we fight over small things, but I believe those small things do matter.

How could small things cause so much trouble?

I just realized that small things have big roots.

Come to think of it. I couldn’t even recall what triggered our fight just hours ago. So, it’s quite a fact that the thing was small enough—even trivial—to be so easily thrown out of my memory bank.

In some cases though, I could remember. For instance, the earlier argument was about her attitude; she was somewhat yelling at me. She was distressed, and I could understand why (only now, with a sober, blogging mind). But at that moment, I thought she was never respectful to me. I felt bad.

But her disrespect has large and deep roots. She started to exhibit disrespect when she came to her senses and she could no longer deny that we were violating each other. I hate to say that it was my fault—I mean, initially, it really was my fault. This should be a bit shocking to read, but I couldn’t help but say it for the sake of getting things clear.

I’m ashamed of myself.

A wounded heart

Her heart bled, so did mine. But, I think her heart bled more. That is why she has become so different now. She is no longer the person I first met.

Whew. I miss my best friend.

Nevertheless, the one I’m sharing a room with right now is still my best friend. I just miss the old her.

How I wish she’d come back; but, seeing this lady now, she’s gone way far from coming back.

She even hates the thought of it—of ever coming back.

Fighting Over Acceptance

I am. Perhaps I’m still mourning over the non-literal loss of my best friend. Perhaps I’m still fighting against myself—fighting over acceptance—just because I could not seem to accept how she’s changed. Too bad.

I now wonder how we could survive. But I do want to save our relationship.

Anybody help?

…because we’re having cold wars and lonely hearts all too frequently, and it’s not helping anybody.

depression, friendship, cold war, fighting with your best friend, lonely heart
I’m drowning in our fights. Save me.
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