My Delusional Jealousy Could Also Be Yours

I crawled to bed yesternight. She was too busy to hear. Anger crept within me. I now wonder if I have any delusional jealousy.

Something just wasn’t right, I know. But before I get to the solution, let me tell you more of our story.

Pensive Feels, jealousy, depression, codependency, friendship
Sheets and a book. I tried to read but only wished I could.

Deprived

I was just unsure of what I felt. I knew a bit that I was deprived of information. Well, I didn’t have to know. I was already crossing privacies, but we were used to doing it. I just needed to know what she was up to.

It turned out that she didn’t like the idea. Not that she was in disgust at it. She now wants some privacy.

Well, everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves privacy. But I just felt terrible about the demand. I felt she was building a barrier, and that act of her mattered a lot to me.

Codependent

I’m still trying to learn about codependency. But I’ve long been thinking. I wonder if this was and still is my case and hers.

To give you some background, we’ve become the best of friends since I felt in her the freedom to be me. Something—no—a lot of things happened between us that caused all the trouble and changed her to become the most easily-irritated person I’ve known now. To date, she’s still my best friend though, and I love her so much.

But now I want to find the real solution to our problem.

I think we’re being codependent with each other. But then, again, I still have to learn more about that dilemma.

A Delusional Jealousy?

How about delusional jealousy? Was I really having that?

I am not sure. I just recently looked up for the term. According to this study though, there’s delusional, and then there’s obsessive jealousy.

Unlike delusional jealousy, characterized by the presence of strong, false beliefs that the partner is unfaithful, individuals with obsessive jealousy suffer from unpleasant and irrational jealous ruminations that the partner could be unfaithful, accompanied by compulsive checking of partners’ behavior, which is recognized by the patient as ego-dystonic. This jealousy resembles obsessive-compulsive phenomenology more closely. Despite the differences, both forms of jealousy result in significant distress for patients and intimate relationships and carry the risk of abuse, homicide and/or suicide.

Batinic, et al., 2013 (emphasis supplied)

I couldn’t get it totally, either. And, honestly, I’m still on the process of learning more about it. Among the purposes of this blog is for me to discover why I’m behaving in a certain way and gradually find healing in the process.

So, am I having some delusional jealousy?

First of all, I’m not being jealous because she was being unfaithful. I think that wouldn’t even qualify as the possible case. How do you define unfaithfulness in a best-friendship, anyway?

So, for me, I only thought I might be delusional because I totally fear being left out. I think her behavior is understandable — if you only know what we’ve been through. Anyway, I can’t promise if I could tell you everything, but I’m trying. If not now, maybe in the long run.

Now, again, am I having delusional jealousy? Definition-wise, I’m still confused. All I know is that I started the trouble. I know she had choices that complicated the matter, too. But I’m not here to put her down or give her the blame — no, never. Rather, I’m here to know, to understand, to feel, to ponder.

All I know now is that the last line of the quote I posted above rings a familiar bell or a couple ones in my mind.

  • I am significantly distressed. I think she is, too.
  • I’m having thoughts of dying, i.e., wishing I could just suddenly die (or at least feel cold and be half-dead) so I would know if she really cares.
  • Since I could not dare to abuse her, i.e., batter her physically, I might, in some other way. I could just distress her emotionally, too. I could show my anger, frustration, jealousy, and it’s never helping.
  • Ours has been a really intimate friendship.
  • (And although this doesn’t belong to the last line, I’m including it.) I’m having some compulsive checking on her behavior. I don’t want the barriers. I don’t want secrets. I don’t want walls. I don’t want boundaries.

Relationship Boundaries

Yes, they say relationships need boundaries (says this book, too—a must-read!) to properly function. But it’s just hard, I know. My best friend and I clicked a lot, a real lot.

But maybe—and I hate to admit this—maybe I took it too far. I should never have done that one thing, and we would never have become like this.

I regret it.

I still hope we could be restored to who we were—just very, very close non-biological sisters who respect each other a lot. But even before, I think we already had problems with maintaining boundaries. But, again, we could just have kept ourselves from trouble if I never did that one thing to her.

My Desperate Hope

That surely sounds ironic. I’m being desperate but hopeful at the same time. Well, I couldn’t find other words to express how I feel right now. I bet I can spend hours and hours of writing and find no answer yet. It wouldn’t help.

So I’ll just try to end this first post by saying that I really need help beyond me. I can’t do just self-help. I know that the solution is above me. I only need to discover that.

That is why I’m here. I’m being pensive. And the feels are heavy.

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