I really don’t know what to say in here, but look, at least I’m brokenhearted. I still could not wrestle with the fact that a person could hate me so much as not to forgive me.
Vengeance. It was probably creeping on her. But I could somehow sense that look on her face. She still has a room for forgiveness. Somehow, she just needs to have some time to be alone.
But I couldn’t believe myself. I was so full of grief already that I hurt her so badly. Physically, I mean.
But no—it’s not what you think about.
I did not batter her. I just wanted to keep her from going away. It’s what she always does. She goes away whenever she can’t take it.
My problem is I can’t take it.
Well, I was willing to. But a while ago, I wasn’t, again. And that’s because I could not be okay if we aren’t okay.
And now… I’m scared. I’m afraid. Lord, please keep her safe.
Yes, you read that right.
In times of ultimate loss, I call out to God. I have no power within myself. I could use a tracking device but’s it’s of no use if her mobile data isn’t on. Well, it’s my phone. I got to think of some other plan to at least be reassured of her safety.
Well, I’m just glad it worked again. You know, I’m somewhat writing in real time. I may care for headings and SEO—yes, I do—but right at this moment, I’m really worried.
I could almost lose my mind. I finally am free to write without worrying she would suspect my business.
But trust me, this isn’t betrayal.
I’m only writing our story under cover. Like, literally.
I regret having not contained myself. I regret physically preventing her from cooling off.
I was so frustrated by the fact that she could not forgive me and I think the only way for me to heal is for her to initiate it when she comes back here.
I hope she had some time to think and unwind. For all I know now, she still hasn’t settled down at a café for her to read her book.
But I really hope she’ll be okay and safe.
I Don’t Hate Her
I don’t hate her; I never hated her. I only hated the fact that she couldn’t forgive that easily. That she immediately settles down into thinking she is unworthy. It’s really hard to deal with that. But I hope I could learn as fast as I could—before anything totally uncontrollable happens.
Well, really. This thing is hardly beatable. I do have a genuine concern for her—for her safety, her welfare, her success. I only get stressed out about one thing. She almost always can’t forgive me immediately.
My Hopes for Thea
Then again, I’m never losing hope. I somehow couldn’t give up on her. I always believe we’d be okay at the end of the day.
But we really had been tired of fighting over and over again.
I just needed to adjust. She just needs to have some time.