I searched the WordPress Reader for the term and came across Jeanette’s blog. Finally, I saw a definition of codependency that was clear as noonday.
A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed.
Way2Hope isn’t Jeannette’s blog. I found it to be the source she was quoting the definition from.
When I found the definition, I clearly saw myself.
It Hurt A Bit
You know what that feeling is when truth goes right in front of you? It almost hurt me to the bone.
Yeah—almost—but I’m in denial.
Needless to say, I was also tempted to defend myself.
“But she’s quite needy, really,” I told myself a few times.
Well, there we go again, Pensive. Your deep thinking just dives into oblivion sometimes.
Yes, Pensive. You’re asking because you are.
By the way, I’m still talking to myself. Pardon me, dear reader.
Now I’m using the article “the.” Now I’m saying only one person could be the addict.
But I am that person now. I’m the codependent. She was—come to think of it—Thea was also once like me towards other individuals.
Maybe she’s still a codependent.
Some Stories Thea Told
I told you that our relationship was getting better. (You came across that fact in this post.)
Yup, I mean Thea and I are in great, good terms right now. She even told me stories of her own struggles with friendships.
And it just dawned on me that she also felt “the need to be needed.”
But did she feel the same towards me? I couldn’t tell now. It isn’t very clear. She is the one quite obviously in need now. She feels she doesn’t have friends (context: except me), and she wants to have more.
And yet she fears her usual approach on friendship won’t work this time. She used to force her way too much to a person she wanted to be friends with.
Thea wasn’t like that to me, though. She wasn’t forcing. I felt drawn to her.
But, wait—she sometimes does act like she wants to be needed by me. It was a gesture that she did more often when we were yet starting.
Yeah, I now remember. Thea was trying to get the confirmation. She wanted to know whether I liked to be with her, sit by her, or lay by her.
She’s trying to be independent now
That hurts a bit. I wanted to be interdependent with her—not codependent with or independent from. I wanted the same thing from her towards me, too.
Still, I feel “the need to be needed” by her.
I sound so pathetic.
But we’re getting better, right?
Yes, our relationship—Thea and I—yes, we’re getting better.
That began when I began to let go.
And that’s how yesterday, she ended up telling stories. That’s when I saw again that ours wasn’t a romantic relationship (see comments in my first post to see what I’m talking about).
We simply were non-biological sisters who imagine ourselves to be real sisters and best friends at that. Because I don’t have a sister—no, but more precisely, because I don’t feel like I have a father. And because she has a sister who doesn’t seem to support her.
So, we have good grounds on why we’re like this.
We’ve come from dysfunctional families.
That’s why we’re self-parenting.
And that’s where we’re starting to get better.