I just read an article today from The Psych Talk, and I feel so delighted to see myself in most—if not all—of its points. I suppose you’d be sad if it’s your first time to realize such things about yourself. As for my case though, it’s been a while since I tried to understand my tendencies. In fact, it turns out that I’m already doing some self-parenting as a young adult.
So, I’m sharing to you in a list below the reasons why I needed to self-parent. Thanks to The Psych Talk for an additional enlightenment on my codependent tendencies, my relationship struggles, my boundary problems, and my emotional dysfunctions.
Again, here’s what I found.
1. I can’t express my emotions well
People that did not receive adequate parenting growing up can have difficulties with expressing their emotions in a healthy manner. They may have been taught that vulnerability is a weakness, or that they need to show dependency in order to receive love.The Psych Talk (emphasis supplied)
I do have difficulties expressing how I really feel (except maybe through writing). I find face-to-face communication hard. I also avoid confrontations except with Thea (my best friend), who in turn doesn’t want confrontations with me when she knows it’s her fault.
Well, I think my emotional problems and relational dysfunctions have a lot to do with how my dad relates to me. He doesn’t speak to me about personal matters. He barely even talks to me about just anything.
Probably, I’ve been emotionally abused that way. And that’s why I’ve become dependent on people who do talk to me deeply.
2. I cross boundaries with the person I’m closest to
Another important quality to obtain is the ability to respect boundaries. You have to learn how to say no and respect when others say no.The Psych Talk (emphasis supplied)
I’ve told you how I hated boundaries, especially with the one I’m closest to. I wanted to know everything about the person. I want no secrets.
That means if I bare myself to you, you should bare yourself to me, too.
Well, I really don’t force anyone to do so. But when we’re already into the relationship, the expectation is there. And once the intimate connection has been started, putting up walls again will only cause me pain.
3. I have an abandonment anxiety
Many adult children of inadequate parents do not know what a healthy functional relationship looks like. They are often stuck in a pattern of dependency or abandonment anxiety.The Psych Talk (emphasis supplied)
Yes, that is so me. I’m often anxious about getting ditched.
Well, I’ve been seeing red flags as I tried to get close to Thea for the first time. I vowed to myself to be careful (remember, she’s already the third I’ve been with).
But, I wasn’t totally successful as I got myself into even more trouble than what I have anticipated. The existence of this blog is the greatest evidence of that failure. But this blog will also be the prime witness of my redemption.
Suffice it to say for now that for this chapter of my story, I do have abandonment anxiety attacks.
4. I feel less loved
Those with inadequate parenting may have learnt to believe that they are worth only as much as the love they received—which is not much at all. As an adult, you have to believe that your worth is independent of the love you receive.The Psych Talk (emphasis supplied)
Despite the fact that my best friend does get jealous of me, of my so-called fame and achievements, and of the attention I get from people, there are times I still feel unloved.
I often feel unloved (or at least less loved) whenever Thea is apparently mad at me or just can’t easily forgive me about something. Well, she has her own share of difficulty dealing with mistakes and forgiveness (I’ll talk about this in another post).
As for me, she’s the only person I consider worth sharing myself with, and the moment she abandons me, I feel I have none else in the world left.
So, I Do Need To Self-Parent
I guess that should be the case for now. If my parents did the wrong thing, I think I’d better correct what they did wrong, else, my future children would have to suffer the way I suffered.
It’s not that I’d find vengeance through passing on the problem—no, consider me the top hater of that idea—to my children.
What I’m saying is that I’d stop the abuse in my own self and in my own case first—now that I still am single. Before I even raise a family, I should make sure I’m already healed myself.
View the referenced article at thepsychtalk.com: How to Self-Parent as an Adult
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