As you might understand by now, our friendship is quite complicated. We’re having problems that normal friends don’t have. We’ve been codependent with each other. Will our relationship work better by letting go?
Codependency. I mentioned the word the first time in my first post. There, I gave you a hint of what was going on. You may want to read that story again to better discern the kind of relationship we have. But, if you can relate to my best friend and me, you’d probably understand our situation even without doing so. (Read here anyway.)
Absorbed In Each Other
That’s what we are. Well, I’m not that sure about her now. I got fears that she will soon ditch me. She’s building barriers, and that’s what hurts me the most.
Looking back, though, I knew she was dependent on me for many reasons. My best friend had an identity crisis—no, not the typical one. She had a crisis on external validation. Her childhood wasn’t very awesome. Her mother was cruel.
So, when we found each other, it was an exciting venture. We found acceptance. We found pure love—or so I thought.
Now that’s ironic. Love is supposed to be selfless. But, we thought we truly unselfishly loved each other. Well, the fruit testified of what really was inside our hearts.
Because of her bad childhood experience, she was constantly seeking approval for herself. She found that approval in me.
Because of my emotionally challenging childhood experience, I was
Now, with that context in mind, I could say we loved each other, but we sucked about love because we each had a shallow familial love experience back in childhood.
Talk about emotional abuse.
Making It Work Now
I have much to say about how our story developed from our first meeting, but for time’s sake, let me reserve that for later.
Suffice it to say that just today, I somehow experienced a “miracle.”
Don’t think about religion or anything like that at the moment.
Suffice it to say that somehow she noticed how I seemed so down these past few days. She managed to ask me about it before we slept.
And to me, it was touching.
She still loves me, after all
At this point, I feel that I sound so pathetic. But, yesternight, I was really touched by my best friend’s sincere gesture.
She asked me if I could tell her what was going on. I couldn’t, of course. I feel that it’s my first time not telling her about something.
I felt guilty, partly.
I just told her I was okay. And yet, every time she’s being sincere, she immediately becomes a tear jerker. No—not that I feel it was calculated. It was indeed far from being insincere. She’s a kindhearted person. She wouldn’t be my best friend if she was otherwise. I’m really just a crybaby.
So, she loved me, after all. And she still genuinely, sincerely cares about how I feel. She sees my pain. She knows when I’m hurting.
Trying to be considerate
That’s what I’m doing now, I mean, that’s what I’ve been trying to do now. I’m trying to be considerate of her crazy dreams. I’m trying to lend two listening ears instead of just one. I’m trying to love her unselfishly.
Sounds too hard.
Thus far, though, it works. I’ve learned that the more I let go of her, the more she becomes willing to come back.
So, I’m going to try some more. But I’m afraid.
Should I do something better? What do you think?